Trust me, I get it.
I, too, find myself having the urge and encouraging myself “this will be the last time”. My body will tense up while flashes of the past play rapidly in my mind. Encouraging me to release my suppression. I never understand where or how I got there, again.
I know I am a child of God. I know of the promises I am given freely. But, why is this so hard to let go?
It’s like a ritual.
To help me sleep, feelings of loneliness, or simply bored, each time it creates a dangerous cycle of temporary fulfillment; it leaves me empty.
How did I get here?
It’s been six months since I’ve engaged in any act of sex including masturbation. It’s not the first time for me to venture on this path of celibacy. I’ve failed numerous of times. Let’s just say, it has been one of my most challenging commitments. I tried to simply convince myself “it’s not that bad”, but deep down I know it is not pleasant for me.
Lust forms on me like an unwanted zit; it randomly attaches itself to me. The built up pressure it causes I know I don’t want. At the same time, it’s always easy to not notice. I find myself trying to decide to cope or I should I just pop it!
Just like any addiction, my appetite for lust prematurely entered my life. One night, I had trouble finding a way to sleep, so I decided to turn on the television and find something to assist me. As I scanned through the channels, I couldn’t find anything interesting until I came across an episode of Real Sex on HBO.
The people on the screen were doing things that were foreign to me, yet it caused my body to tense up in a way I’d never experienced. I enjoyed the feeling, but I didn’t realize the constant fight I would have to conquer later from opening that door.
Engaging in lust is only fun in the moment.
The first thing that comes to my mind is ice cream. When choosing to eat ice cream, I enjoy it fully until the moment it’s gone. It doesn’t matter what flavor, texture, or temperature, I become completely satisfied only while I’m eating it. As I finish the delicious treat, I find myself craving more. This is how lust works!
There is no such thing as enjoying it one time. The moment we decide to engage it will create opportunities for more temptation to consume us. We can not hide from our vices. Making them known and choosing to turn away will bring freedom. One of my favorite scriptures in handling lust says:
“Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts. Instead, pursue righteous living, faithfulness, love, and peace. Enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts.”
2 Timothy 2:22 NLT
As beautifully as Paul wrote that to Timothy, I only understood run! And, that’s exactly what I’m encouraging us to do is run from lust and start faithfully pursuing God!
Running from lust isn’t as easy as Paul or myself are describing.
Often, there are times when lust will pop back up in our lives at the most strange times.
Let’s be aware of the moments when lust comes.
The moment we make lust known to ourselves and friends (Godly community) it will not only bring freedom for us. It will help break chains on those who we surround.
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Journey with me next Wednesday to read , ‘ The Affair Part II ’ !
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